The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other

dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print

in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and

dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the

object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about

this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your

comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It

is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the

fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and

having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but

sarcasm and disrespect.

 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by

some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw

under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the  same

door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline

attendance is not mandatory.

 

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT

THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

 

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door :

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets

 

1. They live here. You don't.

 

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's

why they call it "fur"niture)

 

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

 

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is

short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

 

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't

ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,

never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke

or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear

your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get

pregnant, you can sell their children.